So, we're on the eve of a new addition to the Philly Wheel household. The title of this post represents my mental dilemma with preparing for our first family pet, a cat named "Andre the Giant". I must confess that I approach tomorrow with much trepidation. Oh, I love animals -- when they're deliciously prepared especially with fried onions and peppers on my plate! In all seriousness, I am not an animal lover. I am very uncomfortable around them. Growing up, we never had any pets because my mom and brother were both allergic to pet hair, fur, etc. As a result, my attitudes towards pets were apathetic at best, antagonistic at worst, shaped by my somewhat negatives experiences with them. I could classify all my issues into one of the four categories below. These give me tremendous unease:1. Cleanliness. Growing up we had some friends who were extremely fond of animals. These were the kind of people that would pick up stray animals off the street. Kind of reminds me of this lady:
When we spent the night over their house, it literally was like a zoo. The stench of the place was enough to punch you in the gut and cause you to shake spasmodically while dry heaving. It smelled exactly like a herd of Alaskan Musk Oxen were living in the house.
True, while an extreme example, what is much more common is visiting friends with family pets and being greeted with that unpleasant odor that there's an animal living in the house. I dread that. Oh sure, I hear some people say, "well cats are well groomed and lick themselves clean - as a matter of fact they may be cleaner then humans!" I don't buy it! Instead of washing your hands before dinner next time, try licking them instead. See how long it takes before your paws start reeking. Until I see a cat using Ivory for that 99.44% clean, I refuse to concede the point!
2. Meddlesome. I know cats are naturally curious, but I hope that is not Andre's undoing. I just have this mental picture that the cat is going to destroy some valuable belongings (pictures, TV, or my Xbox 360 for heaven's sake!) because it was too curious. Even worse, I'll be putting on my shoes, getting ready for work, on only to feel that soft "squish" followed by that sickening realization that I just stepped into some mess because the thing had a problem with its bowels and couldn't make it to the litter box in time.
But even this is eclipsed by a greater fear - having the cat mess with my food! When it comes to my food, I have borderline OCD. My hands must be absolutely clean, the food unblemished, un-sampled, and unspoiled before it goes into my mouth. Part of the reason why I don't like eating food at picnics is because people don't cover their food properly! If I even suspect that an insect (i.e., flies or bees) has touched my food I'd rather go hungry and starve. Seriously, that's how picky I am. How could you eat that juicy burger when there was this huge horsefly that was sucking on it earlier, possibly pregnant and laid eggs in it? You can imagine the cardiac arrest that I'd go into if I found out the cat nibbled or licked my food before I did.
3. Unpredictability. I have a very weird sense of humor such that I get much glee out of watching the "When Animals Attack" series. There something fascinating about watching the ignorance and arrogance of humans to think they can fully understand and predict behaviors of various species of the animal kingdom.
While funny, I truly understand that stuff ain't funny when it happens to you. Throughout my life, I have been chased and bitten by dogs, the biggest a huge Doberman Pincher. I have been the target airborne bombing raids by birds on numerous occasions. I have been attacked by a snake in the woods. I have been stung by a nest of freakishly huge black hornets. I was viciously charged at on a farm by a seemingly docile, but crazed and maddened cow. I was nearly decapitated and thrown from the back of a horse that, apparently, was demon possessed.
So, yeah I known my share of trouble from animals and while I giggle watching the unpredictable nature of animals on TV, I know first hand how those giggles can become easily become screams of horror when it happens to you personally. So, who really knows when the cat could snap and go ballistic like this?
4. Maintenance. I may have insinuated earlier that we never cared for animals growing up. That's not entirely correct. While my parents and younger sister wanted no part of it, my two older brothers and I had a number of carnivorous fish that included piranhas, sharks, snakeheads and oscars. But as I look back on this, these were never family pets. They were only for blood sport, subject to whims of three crazy boys who enjoyed watching goldfish swim for their lives from the larger predators.
As for caring for these things, I was extremely lazy when it came to cleaning their living quarters. The fish tanks resembled a fetid, murky swamp found in the bayous of Louisiana. It looked like the fish were swimming in dirt. And since we're being honest here, I confess that I couldn't even feed the things properly because getting to the pet store was so far out and a major hassle. Consequently some of the fish turned to cannibalism or even died, because I was neglectful. Flushing a dead fish down the toilet is pretty quick and painless . But flushing the carcass of a cat down the toilet becomes a bit more problematic. Fortunately, I can easily get cat food from the local supermarket.
It goes beyond just food, however. Is this thing going to be high maintenance?How much bonding time does it need? How much training is required? Do I need to walk it? Take off days from work so that it can have that heart operation and get a pace maker when it gets older? I just don't want anything to suffer because of my laziness, so you can appreciate my concern.
These are some of the things that have made me staunchly against having a four-legged beast in the house. Having said all that, I can no longer deny the plea of Momma Wheel to get a family pet. She's had one before - a dog - growing up. She's been asking for one for several years now way before Baby Wheel was born. Seeing how Baby Wheel responds to pets is hilarious. She goes crazy especially over cats. A friend, who is a cat owner, babysat Baby Wheel one night. When we picked her up, we were told she did not stop talking to the cat the entire night. As a matter of fact, Baby Wheel stalked the animal to the point where she had the cat backed up into a corner on top of the microwave trying to get away because it had enough. That's too funny.
So in spite of my bad experiences, I need to stop being selfish. Therefore, I've softened my position. Momma Wheel and Baby Wheel deserve more. My hang-ups shouldn't get in the way of them experiencing the joy and fun of a family pet. Who knows, maybe I will really come to like the thing in a way that I wouldn't have ever dared thought.
But make no mistake! The moment the fur ball bites my toes in the middle of the night is the day I call the SPCA. Andre, you've been warned!
--Poppa Wheel
